DEAR Adult: One Path to Interpersonal Effectiveness (Part 9 of 10)
Whereas all the other skills mentioned so far are about self-regulation, interpersonal effectiveness inherently involves both the self and someone else. Therefore, interpersonal effectiveness inherently subsumes the other skill sets. After all, you can’t possibly deal with another person if you can’t even deal with yourself yet.
Here, I would like to introduce perhaps the most comprehensive of the interpersonal effectiveness skills: DEAR Adult. D stands for Describe: First, describe the situation that needs to be addressed. State only the facts, and truly focus on the situation, not the person. Next, Express how you feel about the situation. Use “I feel” statements. Once again, truly express how you feel about the situation, not the person. Sometimes it can be helpful to use a “float back” and express how you have felt about similar situations previously so that both you and the other person understand that there might be more history beyond the current situation. If you want to be especially dialectical, also use this E to Empathize with the other person’s perspective.
Now you are ready to move on to A, which stands for Assert. When asserting, use “I need” statements. In particular, explain what you need in positive terms, not negative ones; explain precisely what you need the other person to do, not what they should stop doing. If you want to be even more dialectical, also use the A to Appreciate the other person’s perspective and even Apologize for your role in this situation.
R stands for Reinforce. You want to end on a positive, upbeat note by reinforcing both your request and the relationship itself. In my opinion, the best way to reinforce both is to explain how what you are requesting is a win-win proposition. You simply want what is best for both parties. Therefore, you are willing to further negotiate and compromise as necessary.
Finally, you want to do all of this using the Adult Voice, which is the dialectic (the middle ground) between the Parent Voice (yell, lecture, berate) and the Child Voice (whine, pout, throw a tantrum). The Adult Voice is when you communicate in a manner that is calm, composed and collected.
This blog post is an excerpt from Trauma stabilization through polyvagal theory and DBT, an article published by the American Counseling Association on September 14, 2021 by Kirby Reutter.
If you would like to learn more about how to use trauma-focused DBT with a variety of trauma-based disorders, I recommend the following resources to get started:
- The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for PTSD: Practical Exercises for Overcoming Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder by Kirby Reutter, 2019
- “DBT for Trauma and PTSD” (DBT Expert Interview series at psychotherapyacademy.org/dbt-interviews)
- Survival Packet: Treatment Guide for Individual, Group, and Family Counseling by Kirby Reutter, 2019
- “The Journey From Mars: Brain Development and Trauma” webinar (youtube.com/watch?v=WSFqHS_axOc)